The f*ck was I gonna name this…

Changing jobs has been difficult the last two years.  Mentally, I’m not the best anymore.  I struggle finding words, I get things backwards, I have a hard time with numbers and letters.  I was thinking about how my training has gone with my current job and one thing stood out…  one person just kept saying “You need to think more carefully, slow down.”  They probably think they’re giving me sound advice, but that’s not the issue at all.

I feel like I’m always talking about my aches and pains (even if I’m not because I’m still talking about it in my head) so it irks me even more to remind a person that knows me that I have fibromyalgia.  Having said this, I barely talk at work.  I’ve become so dull minded that I can’t keep up with conversations, especially with people I don’t know well.  So who can blame them for not remembering, I can’t remember what I did 2 minutes ago.  

It’s so utterly frustrating not to be able to be there mentally like I was before.  I was quick with smart remarks, aced every test, was confident in my knowledge, excellecent at spelling and grammar and could remember things in stupid detail.  I rarely participate in conversations now because by the time I formulate a response to a statement everyone has already talked about a different subject matter and are on to the next.  I keep a personal planner and have a big calendar and look at them constantly because I’m so afraid I’m going to miss something.

I feel like it’s all just slipping through my fingertips and I can’t do anything about it.  I just have to sit there and look like a dunce because I can’t just shove my big “I have fibromyalgia! ” flag down everyone’s throat.  Shit, most people think that’s an imaginary flag anyways.

My biggest fear is that I will end up being seen as being unfit for my job.  I’ve already struggled so much with my health and working that I can’t fathom what I’d do.  It’s been 15 years and things just progress instead of getting better.
And all this just when I thought I was on a new road to accepting fibromyalgia…

The definition of chronic.

chron·ic

ˈkränik

adjective

  1. (of an illness) persisting for a long time or constantly recurring.

  2. So we all know this, painfully so.  In my constant struggle to accept what is happening to my body I’ve found that the very definition of chronic is one I will not accept more than anything.

  3. I’ve been getting excited at the prospects ahead these next few months.  I will more than likely be starting biologics after we get results back from my colonoscopy later this week.  In a couple months I’ll be seeing a doctor that is one of the top in his field to possibly have surgery.  On top of all of it, my back had been feel better.  Had being the key word.  The nerve pain hit hard this weekend and reminded me that even though things are better, they’re never gone for good.

  4. The flare up in my back is a bit of a reality check.  All my health issues are chronic and don’t have a cure.  The best you can hope for is that the pain subsides and doesn’t interfere with daily life.  I was building up hope thinking that once I got to the end of the summer that everything would be gone forever.  Things will be better, but I need to accept that I won’t be cured.

  5. This my sound like such a downer to people, but accepting that my chronic health problems means chronic is a big thing.  If I keep myself in a mindset that one day I’ll be normal and do normal things, I’ll never get there.  If I accept that I’m always going to have these problems then I can move on and find different way to do “normal” things and plan ahead for the inevitable pain that will result.

  6. I’m still learning that it’s not worth it to push through things because I’ll always end up in pain.  I’m still trying to learn what causes certain symptoms.  I still am trying to accept my chronic illnesses as chronic.

Disconnected.

I’ve generally always kept to myself and was absolutely fine with all the alone time in the world.  Now I think I’m going crazy.  I’m having a hard time coping with everything that’s going on and what the future might hold.  I only have my husband to talk with about it.  I don’t feel like anyone else I talk to (which is very few) will understand.  I know friends and family might take offense to that statement, but at this point I need someone who knows what I’m going through and can help me get to the next step.  I need more than the conversations that just consist of “Oh that sucks, I’m sorry,” although I do greatly appreciate it when someone cares enough to listen to me.

Since we’ve moved to a new state, I’ve isolated myself even more than normal.  I was already having worsening health at the time of the move and wasn’t looking forward to having to change jobs.  I’ve had a hard time coping with cutting my hours and changing my work to fit me better.  I have two jobs, a part time and a PRN.  I had to fight with the occupational medicine doctor for weeks to get them to clear me.  It’s all put me in a state of mind where I feel like I’m just going to be let go for my health at some point anyways.  Even at my last doctor appointment it was mentioned that there was a possibility of having a “medically-induced” career change.

This has made it that much harder for me to make any connections with people here.  The only time I leave the house other than the regular adult things is to go to work.  At my part time job, the group I work with is pretty close knit and a lot older than me.  My PRN job has some people my age with similar interests, but I want to quit that job so bad because I’m always in pain when I leave that I can’t get myself  to try to socialize.  This on top of being  complete ate up with my health situation at the moment makes me a real bore to talk to.

In all honesty, I’m probably depressed.  We already know my anxiety has been kicking in too.  Any chance I take to talk to people about things usually ends up with them either blowing over what I said or them telling me something ridiculous like I need to stop the doctors everything.  I’m afraid that my health is going to ruin my life.  I was doing really well…  I graduated college, got a well paying job, bought a new car and bought a house.  Now I’ve been dialing back on pay and hours to be able to work without killing myself, which makes it more difficult to keep our heads above water on the financial front and we may not move back to Indiana where our house is.

I really dislike uncertainty and that’s about all I have at this point.

I like having clear plans.  I like having executable lists.  Other than going to the grocery store, I can’t implement that in my life anymore.

I desperately wish an excel sheet could give me all the answers…  Or maybe I could find a peer that can understand me.

Anxiety set in.

I started writing in this blog as a way to blow off steam.  I may not have posted much, and to be honest, it’s not like I’ve had a super terrible journey.  Thus far, I’ve been pretty lucky and I’ve always kept that in the front of my mind when it comes to all my health stuff.

I sat down in the wee hours of the morning while everyone was asleep and compiled all that is currently happening in my journey right now.  It hit a little harder than I was prepared.  I’ve been so busy thinking about other things since we’ve moved that I hadn’t let myself really take in everything that I’m experiencing with my health and with my doctors.

This may all be thanks to part of my test results coming through yesterday from my last doctor visit.  Really just the fact that I don’t have all the results yet does not sit well with me.  And yes, I am that kind of person who signed up with LabCorp and Quest to receive all my test results after they’ve been sent to my doctors.  I’m an MLT and I need to know my results.

Anywho, I only got part of my results and that part was positive.  It’s pretty much a non-specific test but still has me on edge and got me focused on everything that’s going on.  Currently I have 5 specialists, am being evaluated for another autoimmune disease, possibly starting biologics soon, need to get setup to do physical therapy, and probably will have surgery this summer.  I can’t even imagine what else I would get myself into if I brought up any other concerns I have to my PCP.

If my body just gives up, I’m gonna be in a bad place.  And trying to get my health straight, not even counting trying to eat right or exercise, is damn expensive.  I’ve gotten to the point where I really can’t handle working full time in a core lab anymore, so I’ve had to lessen my hours (PRN in core lab and part time in Micro) which means less money.  I got on the best insurance I could (a.k.a. EXPENSIVE) and still want to puke to think about adding on all the other costs for treatments coming up.

Needless to say, I still struggle with my needs, wants, and identity…  In general and when it comes to my health. I never know what new and weird thing my body is going to do next and send my doctor on a witch hunt to find the culprit.  (But seriously thankful for this new PCP with an attitude like that.)  From muscle spasms, to hot and red knees, to my fifth bout of shingles on my damn face…

I guess I’ve always been kinda okay and laid back about these things because I hadn’t had a real concrete diagnosis and my symptoms didn’t stack up at the same time like they do now.  I’m getting diagnoses, I’m getting more abnormal lab results and I don’t know how to really cope.  I’ve been used to there being a sort of end point to things…  like, I got my xray and did my course of steroids so we’re done with that issue even though it’s not resolved.  I don’t think that’s going to be the case now with most things which maybe a good thing in the long term.

Who knows, maybe 2017 will be my healing year.  I’m just tired of waiting to get through it.

Health Journal – Free to download

Someone requested long ago that I upload my journal that I showed forever ago for you guys to download…

Eons later, I’ve finally got around to doing it!

If you guys have any suggestions, let me know.  Even ideas for new formats or what-have-you.

(P.S. I don’t think all my fonts transferred correctly when I redid this.  Blasted new versions of Office…)

Here’s the link! ——> Health Journal – Free2DL

You can’t work here.

 

For the first time ever I’ve had to bow out of the race for a job I really wanted…  and it was because of my health.

Facilities that aren’t a factory that require a physical rub me the wrong way.  I always thought my health wasn’t an employers business… period.  If I say I am capable, I am.  I try too damn hard to be ‘normal’ to have to deal with explaining my medical history to a job.

So I had the chance to work at a large hospital lab in the Microbiology department, which was always what I really wanted to do.  I had a lot of problems getting through the day at my last job, so I wanted to start out part time once we moved.  (We just recently moved out of state and that’s a whole other chronic illness blog in itself…)  So this micro job was part time and perfect.  I was so insanely excited for it.  Then came the physical…

They asked for my entire medical history, which was a little much to ask me on a small dry erase board.  I was honest because honesty is the best quality.  They were not happy with that.

First off was my back pain.  I hadn’t had any doctor look at my MRI report because I literally just moved after I had it done.  It wasn’t bothering much so I didn’t think it was a problem.

Then they read about how I haven’t been diagnosed officially as having Crohn’s disease, but basically, I have Crohn’s.  Dirty looks from the doctor ensued.  I swear I’m not lying sir, I literally wouldn’t curse my enemy with these afflictions.

Last thing he had a problem with was my dizzy spells.  It hits me maybe twice a week at the worst and hasn’t affected me when working, so I didn’t care about it.  He was like NOPE.

So he let the Crohn’s thing slide, although I don’t think he wanted to.  He said I had to see a doctor to follow up and get cleared for the back pain and the dizziness.  He didn’t tell the assistant and no one told me what I needed.  When I asked, they couldn’t give a straight answer and told me just to grab an appointment at an urgent care since they wanted me to start work in a week.

So I go, I get paperwork.  Next attempt, NOPE.  There’s not enough detail on my work release.  So I tried to email them the full report they gave me, no one got back with me.

My fourth attempt was literally right before orientation.  I waited an hour and they told me no.  They couldn’t accept the letter from an urgent care, which would have been great to know on day one.  The assistant told me I couldn’t be cleared anyways because I can’t lift over 10 lbs.  All of this would have been fucking great to know the first time.

I’ve literally never felt so ashamed for something I have no control over.  I guess at least they’re saving me the grief of working for them.  I mean, I understand, they don’t want to get fucked, but fuck I need to work to afford my medicine and doctors appointments.

Speaking of which, new insurance won’t pay for because fuck Crohn’s.

Anyways…  This year has been tough.  The roughest for my health I think.

I guess I need to start working my backup plan for something that is health-friendly for me.  Yet here I go, back to working in a hospital…

 

P.S.  I’ve calmed down 100% of the rage from this whole experience.  This has been one of the most disheartening experiences I’ve gone through and I don’t think they realize how awful it has been on my end.  Plus some of those ladies were the most rude and cold people I’ve ever met.  So much for a caring Catholic health institution.

Admitting defeat…

Since I last posted my health has gotten worse.  I’m in a constant state of discomfort, afraid to eat anything, and just want to give up and lay in bed all day.  My back has been messed up for 2 months now and sometimes it makes it hard to walk.  Muscles spasms are now a daily annoyance, but I can’t take my relaxers because then I’ll really be useless at work.  My IBD has gotten worse and the medicines they’re trying so far don’t seem to help.  Any time I eat I get all kinds of issues, so I usually only eat when I’m going to be home.

My doctors are being awesome though and I’m so thankful for that, but I really wish I could have some sort of relief sooner.

I got denied for intermittent leave at work because now they only give that if you’ve been there a year.  My boss is trying to help get me through, but it’s getting hard to even show up every day.
I’m going to a convention next week for 4 days and I’m nervous.  I’m so excited to go, but with all my issues I’m afraid my body will ruin it for me.  I’m going to have to pack for the worst…  basically bring a medicine cabinet, braces, etc.  I’m also fighting with myself because I’m debating on renting a wheelchair or something to help me walk.  I usually walk fine, right?  So why would I need one?  But with all these muscle spasms and back issues I have problems.  Now I’m going to be walking around for like 10 hrs for 4 days.  That sounds awful, but I absolutely need to be there and enjoy the convention.

I’ve heard stories before, from chronic illness groups on facebook, of the comments people make when  you can walk but have to use a wheelchair.  I don’t even want to deal with it.  I really don’t even want to feel need to explain myself at all.  It’s hard not to feel like you’re being ridiculous, trying to get attention,  or lazy when people make comments.  I may know better, but even those that I’m close to may not be able to come to the conclusion that I need it.

I keep fighting with myself.  When do I admit that I can’t keep the ‘normal’ stuff up?  When do I say no to being able to do parts of my job?  When do I need to stop just sucking it up?  When do I admit defeat and be that girl in a wheelchair?

And Autoimmunity reared back its ugly head…

Okay, a little bit of a dramatic title…
Since being diagnosed with IBD I’ve been doing my research.  I actually didn’t know that it was considered an autoimmune disease before diagnosis, but G Almighty does that make sense.  I’ve been checked for some autoimmune disorders before and my new GP was concerned that it was a cause of things.
Anywho, I caught an interesting virus this time…
Alas, ladies and gentlemen, the 26 year old with immunity of a 5 year old…

image

I caught Hand Foot and Mouth disease.  The bottom 2 are from when it started (I know you barely see it on my face, but I couldn’t bare to show my hands) and the top 2 pictures are the current healing process about 2 weeks later.
For a period of time I couldn’t bare to walk or use my hands for much else other than using my phone.  I was in so much pain that I was in tears and almost ended up going to the ER because just walking to the restroom was near impossible. I missed a whole week of work.

It seems like my immune system just kind of picks and chooses when it works well.  Although, overall, it seems to have gotten worse (along with my IBD) in the last year.  Even getting out of a high stress environment hasn’t helped a whole lot.

Anywho, I wanted to share that because this peeling skin is driving absolutely bonkers!  Also, a coworker told me today that he was jealous of all my “vacations” and I’m not okay with it.  So there’s that, which may be another ranting post at a later date…

I have a thing! *confetti* (warning: there’s about to be some cursing)

Cursing in 3…

2…

1…

HOLYFUCKINGSHITBALLS I HAVE A REAL, MEDICALLY ACCEPTED AS FACT DIAGNOSIS!!!!!!
IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN MIRACLE!!!

I’m literally so excited.
So I’ve been dealing with some gut related issues for 5 ish years now.  I shuffled some doctors around, tried a bunch of meds and waited and waited…   I finally found an amazing doctor.  Last October I had a scope that came with just some inflammation, nothing they’d pin as abnormal.  So things got worse and we did a capsule endoscopy. This time they must have found something because they said it was ‘indicative of inflammatory bowel disease.’  Obviously, I hear this and I’m like, ‘WHAT THE SHIT I ACTUALLY HAVE A REAL THING?!’
I’ve been trying to chase down causes for my constant discomforts and infections since I 13.  I turn 26 this weekend.  I’m so relieved.  Everything has always came back negative or normal…  finally, a thing!
So, new meds to try and 5 million more follow ups with my various doctors plus a fun procedure next month.  This little lady might end up feeling better…

And yea, I know….  this may not be something to be real happy about.  It’s an awful, painful disease that can make you real sick.  You know what though?  No one is gonna tell me that pain isn’t really.  Because everyone accepts that IBD is a real thing unlike Fibromyalgia. You can tell your friends that you can’t go out because your IBD is flared up and they’ll be fine with it.  Try the same but with fibromyalgia and people will think you’re faking and just being a shitty person.

I’ll take my new diagnosis, sir.  At least I can feel more confident  about what I feel.

A house with mystery guts

So in my last post I was feeling super hopeful thanks to a great new doctor.  Well I got my pathology report back and lo and behold it was negative. No explanation for the irritation or why I was having any other symptoms. I got a ‘keep taking your meds and see you in 6 months’ speech.
Another random occurrence in my medical odyssey.
I will be starting yet another wonderful journey to find a doctor, this time to replace my primary care.  She moved into a new office with all the nuts I can’t stand and the PA is only working at the women’s group.
So now I have extra motivation because this last week I’ve been fighting shingles.  This is the 3rd time I’ve had it and I’m 25.  Always in the same spot, it shows up under my right eye.  This bout has been the worst.  It moved up towards the inner part of my eye, down my nose, and swelled my whole bottom lid.  I also had some pop up on my mouth.
Adding this to regular cold sores and my bout of bells palsy years ago, I think I’m done with my face.  What reason does a supposedly health 25 year old go through this?  I honestly don’t understand.
I guess at least I can make the joke that I’m turning into a house?  (Get it?  Shingles…  haha)