Anxiety set in.

I started writing in this blog as a way to blow off steam.  I may not have posted much, and to be honest, it’s not like I’ve had a super terrible journey.  Thus far, I’ve been pretty lucky and I’ve always kept that in the front of my mind when it comes to all my health stuff.

I sat down in the wee hours of the morning while everyone was asleep and compiled all that is currently happening in my journey right now.  It hit a little harder than I was prepared.  I’ve been so busy thinking about other things since we’ve moved that I hadn’t let myself really take in everything that I’m experiencing with my health and with my doctors.

This may all be thanks to part of my test results coming through yesterday from my last doctor visit.  Really just the fact that I don’t have all the results yet does not sit well with me.  And yes, I am that kind of person who signed up with LabCorp and Quest to receive all my test results after they’ve been sent to my doctors.  I’m an MLT and I need to know my results.

Anywho, I only got part of my results and that part was positive.  It’s pretty much a non-specific test but still has me on edge and got me focused on everything that’s going on.  Currently I have 5 specialists, am being evaluated for another autoimmune disease, possibly starting biologics soon, need to get setup to do physical therapy, and probably will have surgery this summer.  I can’t even imagine what else I would get myself into if I brought up any other concerns I have to my PCP.

If my body just gives up, I’m gonna be in a bad place.  And trying to get my health straight, not even counting trying to eat right or exercise, is damn expensive.  I’ve gotten to the point where I really can’t handle working full time in a core lab anymore, so I’ve had to lessen my hours (PRN in core lab and part time in Micro) which means less money.  I got on the best insurance I could (a.k.a. EXPENSIVE) and still want to puke to think about adding on all the other costs for treatments coming up.

Needless to say, I still struggle with my needs, wants, and identity…  In general and when it comes to my health. I never know what new and weird thing my body is going to do next and send my doctor on a witch hunt to find the culprit.  (But seriously thankful for this new PCP with an attitude like that.)  From muscle spasms, to hot and red knees, to my fifth bout of shingles on my damn face…

I guess I’ve always been kinda okay and laid back about these things because I hadn’t had a real concrete diagnosis and my symptoms didn’t stack up at the same time like they do now.  I’m getting diagnoses, I’m getting more abnormal lab results and I don’t know how to really cope.  I’ve been used to there being a sort of end point to things…  like, I got my xray and did my course of steroids so we’re done with that issue even though it’s not resolved.  I don’t think that’s going to be the case now with most things which maybe a good thing in the long term.

Who knows, maybe 2017 will be my healing year.  I’m just tired of waiting to get through it.

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Continue to suffer, there’s obviously nothing wrong with you anyways.

Today I am having a breakdown.

I work second shift, so I don’t wake up until 11, 12, maybe even 2 or 3 some days.  So I wake up today on my day off and work up the nerve to make calls and try to take care of some things and make appointments.  The last call I made was to my GI doctor.  But first, some background information before we get into the deets….

I’ve been dealing with some GI issues for about 5 years now.  I used to be super embarrassed about it, but over time I’ve just gotten fed up with it.  So last year my primary doctor sent me to  them because what they were doing wasn’t ending the issue.  The GI doc suggests some things, gives me some stuff to try out.  I do what he asks, minus some crazy medicine that they failed to mention was a compound prescription.  Thinking back, I should have probably went through the trouble of dealing with the formulary and paying a fortune for the tiniest tube of crap that probably wouldn’t have helped, but I had better things to do.  I go back a month or two later and no changes.  He tells me to continue what I’m doing, some people take longer.  (It’s been 5 yrs m*f*, no sh*t.)  He said if it still isn’t getting better to come back and see him and then he’ll probably schedule me for a colonoscopy.  Oh the joy of that prospect.  Well, things haven’t gotten better.  SURPRISE!  I refused to go back until I got onto my husbands insurance because the insurance from my work would require me to have the colonoscopy at my work or pay a ridiculous amount of money.  Neither of those options seemed logical.

So I’m on my husband’s insurance now and I finally called to set up an appointment…  I wait on hold for 3 or 4 minutes.  I realize it’s Friday afternoon, the last day of the week and everyone is trying to take care of their last minute stuff before leaving the office.  I deal with this at work every Friday I work, so I get it.  The girl finally gets to me, asks for my information and what I usually see the doctor for.  I tell her, hear her start to say something then a muffled noise where she’s covering the mouthpiece of the phone.  She comes back and says they can’t get me in until mid-March in the afternoon when I’ll be at work.

I had to have been dead silent for a good 30 seconds.  I’m not taking off from work for that.  Especially if they’re acting like I’m an idiot for coming to their office for something that isn’t as serious as colon cancer.  I know that comment made on the other side of that muffled phone noise was something along the lines of, “Why do people come here for stupid shit?”  I work in healthcare, I know how these people act.  We  make judgments before knowing the back story.  It happens, it human nature.  But this has been a settle attitude every time I’ve dealt with them.  I told the girl not to worry about it, I think I’m just going to find another doctor and hang up.

I can’t deal with that.  It’s been 5 years, you guys can’t fix what you deem to be a simple problem so I’m pretty sure I’m not the idiot here.

Unfortunately I’m starting to feel the same way with my primary doctors office even though I absolutely love the Nurse Practioner there.  Every other person that works there acts like I’m an idiot and I’m the person that actually runs all these tests.

I have no idea how to make anything that I feel become a real thing.  Almost all of my test results come back negative.  There’s nothing really wrong with me.  I’ve been watching my iron slowly drop and me become slowly more anemic.  I guess we’ll just wait until I end up with something serious because God forbid we take care of anything.  Let’s all give up.  The medicines didn’t work and the test results are always negative for everything.  F*ck it and your fibromyalgia diagnosis.