Admitting defeat…

Since I last posted my health has gotten worse.  I’m in a constant state of discomfort, afraid to eat anything, and just want to give up and lay in bed all day.  My back has been messed up for 2 months now and sometimes it makes it hard to walk.  Muscles spasms are now a daily annoyance, but I can’t take my relaxers because then I’ll really be useless at work.  My IBD has gotten worse and the medicines they’re trying so far don’t seem to help.  Any time I eat I get all kinds of issues, so I usually only eat when I’m going to be home.

My doctors are being awesome though and I’m so thankful for that, but I really wish I could have some sort of relief sooner.

I got denied for intermittent leave at work because now they only give that if you’ve been there a year.  My boss is trying to help get me through, but it’s getting hard to even show up every day.
I’m going to a convention next week for 4 days and I’m nervous.  I’m so excited to go, but with all my issues I’m afraid my body will ruin it for me.  I’m going to have to pack for the worst…  basically bring a medicine cabinet, braces, etc.  I’m also fighting with myself because I’m debating on renting a wheelchair or something to help me walk.  I usually walk fine, right?  So why would I need one?  But with all these muscle spasms and back issues I have problems.  Now I’m going to be walking around for like 10 hrs for 4 days.  That sounds awful, but I absolutely need to be there and enjoy the convention.

I’ve heard stories before, from chronic illness groups on facebook, of the comments people make when  you can walk but have to use a wheelchair.  I don’t even want to deal with it.  I really don’t even want to feel need to explain myself at all.  It’s hard not to feel like you’re being ridiculous, trying to get attention,  or lazy when people make comments.  I may know better, but even those that I’m close to may not be able to come to the conclusion that I need it.

I keep fighting with myself.  When do I admit that I can’t keep the ‘normal’ stuff up?  When do I say no to being able to do parts of my job?  When do I need to stop just sucking it up?  When do I admit defeat and be that girl in a wheelchair?


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